Help!!!!

I am a single woman, attractive, in my mid 40's and just can't seem to meet the right guy. I want a relationship. Everyone around me is married and my family is constantly giving me upset about that.

I do everything that I can to meet men. I go to parties, bars and I even tried playing sports. I do meet men don't get me wrong but nothing ever turns out right. I am so depressed. I just want to meet the right guy. Can you give me some tips? New York State of Mind


Dear New York,

In order to have a successful relationship you first have to be in a relationship with yourself that works. I think you need to have other interests in your life besides men. Find something that you love to do and do it! Not only will you be personally satisfied with this but you will be a more well-rounded interesting person as a result.

The time that you find that special person is when you are not looking. The energy that surrounds someone who is searching for that right and perfect person can often push another away.

When I met my husband everyone would have bet against me. I had been married three times, was 50 plus and had been divorced for more than 20 years. To make matters even more difficult, I was living in Africa and didn't want to meet anyone there.

I was very involved with my writing and safaris and Humanitarian work. The energy around me said that I was complete with my life as it was and anything additional was truly icing on the cake. My future husband had no interest in getting into a serious relationship with anyone as he had been married and divorced and was truly a workaholic. We both were looking for intelligent conversation and coffee without intimacy or a serious relationship. Instead, we fell in love with the people that we were without pressure or expectations. Less then one year later we married in a fairy-tale ceremony.

Being happy in your own skin is the first step towards meeting the right person. Find something that really excites you and immerse yourself into it. Then you will be surprised how many men are magnetized into your life. Keep me posted!

Where Did I Go Wrong?

I met a guy at a party over a week ago and he spent the whole evening just with me. I gave him my number but he still hasn't called. I just don't understand what happened. He was all over me and acted like he really cared. He was even talking about taking me away to Hawaii with him. I have his number. Should I call him? What happened? What did I do wrong? Candid in California


Dear Candid, I have written on this topic for several years and still get asked this same question nearly every week. Life is about perceptions. There are your perceptions and his perceptions and then there are perceptions from everyone around you.

Your perception was that he was attracted to you and wanted to see you again. Why else would he have spent the entire evening in your company? Why else would he have used the words "we" and "us" which I am sure he did throughout the evening unless he was interested?

While you as a woman saw him as the "one" he may only have seen you as someone, anyone who might have been willing to leave with him and have a sexual encounter.

You don't really know what was going on in his life that night. Perhaps he had a fight with his wife or girlfriend and just wanted to pass the time or get laid. I know this sounds harsh but it is very true. Men don't go to parties to meet the woman of their dreams. They go to find a sexual partner ususally for the moment. Women go toj find a mate.

You just need to alter your perceptions so that you view all of your interactions in a different way. If you are at a party or event just pretend for a moment that you are attending a theatrical performance during dress rehearsal and all of the male guests are actors vying for a role in this performance. They will do or say anything to star in this production. Now you can just be watching this production unfold as a member of the audience rather an active participant in the folly of the evening.

Of course there always is that chance that you could meet someone who is really interested and time will tell the truth about that as well. Just remember, you did nothing wrong you just need to alter your perceptions.

Sex Before Marriage

I have met this awesome girl, and we have decided to get married, but we have still never had sex. Any tips on helping me with my anxiety until we get married (next year) ??!?!


Dear Anxious: You didn't say whether either of you had been married before or if this was the first time for both of you. I do think that adults in relationship that is clearly a serious one where marriage is the end goal should follow their hearts in the area of sex. If both of you feel that this is the real thing then by all means move forward with those feelings. It does seem however that one or both of you may have religious reasons or other reasons not to have sex before marriage.

Dateless!

I am a beautiful woman and smart and successful as well but I just can't meet anyone for a serious relationship. I don't want to go on the Internet for a date because I am a little afraid. What do you think I should do to meet the right man? Model Good Looks

Dear Fearful,
The Internet can seem to be a bit daunting but if you just try to overcome that fear and realize that this is the new way to meet people. It is not as overwhelming as it looks. I believe in being very proactive on the web and in telling the truth about almost everything. I say almost because age is the one area that we can do a bit of sleight of hand with...if you look great. The first thing to do is determine what you are searching for. Then you need to really go through the profiles and find men who are attractive to you. The profile is like an application for a job. Don't just ignore all of the elements of the profile and look for signs of trite or canned comments like "loves long walks on the beach or likes fireplaces in the summer." That just shows me a person who doesn't really care and is just giving lip service to find someone, anyone to sleep with. That isn't what you want. The ball is in your court. Check the profiles out and then send a fantastic catchy email to the select few and see what happens. Good luck. I met my younger husband on the Internet so it works.

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